Choosing the Right Partner

I must admit that I am not an expert on relationship and I don’t claim to be one. However, as a motivational expert, I have some relevant points to share with you on this topic and I believe you have one or two things to learn from this article.

Now, choosing a partner may be easy, but what is not easy is choosing the RIGHT partner. The desire of any person is to choose the right partner and enjoy a blissful relationship. But the fact is, not everybody will achieve this desire. We have heard of many broken relationships and we have heard of many marriages that have hit the rocks. 

But how can one avoid broken relationship or broken marriage? Well, I don’t think there is one special way of avoiding broken relationship. But one thing I think can help a bit is choosing the right partner. But how can one choose the right partner? This is where the problem lies. 

In his book, The Amazing Results of Positive Thinking, Norman V. Peale (a pastor and expert on relationship) narrated the story of a teenage boy who became attracted to a beautiful, well-dressed girl. They became friends. He went to his parents and told them that he had found the girl he would marry. After describing the girl, the parents said they knew the girl. They were really not pleased with their son’s decision. However, they told their son that they would consent to the marriage on the condition that he invited the girl to come and spend some time with them and thereafter, he (their son) would also go and spend some time with the girl’s parents.

Straightaway, the girl was invited to their home. Throughout the period, the girl kept herself busy watching TV, reading, and sleeping. She never participated in household chores. 

Later, it was the turn of the boy to visit the girl’s parents. After spending a short time, he ran back home. His parents asked why he was back so soon. He told his parents that he was no longer interested in marrying the girl. When asked why, he then narrated the negative acts the girl was exhibiting before her parents. 

Just then, the boy’s parents told him that they knew the parents of the girl and the girl’s character, but that they did not want to discourage him; and that they wanted him to discover the girl’s mannerisms by himself and that was why they made the conditionality of visiting each other's homes.

Dear reader, you may not be a teenager that requires the consent of his parents to enter into a particular relationship, but the fact is, there are several lessons you can learn from this article. Among these lessons are:

    1.   Understand Your Partner

  The starting point to good relationship is understanding your partner.  The two parties must understand each other. You have to understand your partner before you jump into serious relationship with him or her. This is important because it will help you to decide whether you can proceed with the relationship or not. 

Although no one is perfect, there are certain qualities a partner must possess which will make you to agree to the relationship despite some of his/her shortcomings. The earlier you understand your partner before going into serious relationship, the better. An African proverb says, “If you have not gone very far yet, it is still very easy to return; but if you have gone very far, it becomes very difficult and costly to return.”  

Now, how do you understand your partner? Understanding your partner goes beyond phone calls, letter writing, sending text messages, or sending emails. To really understand each other, you must be very close to each other. You must interact. You must do things in common. You must relate with each other. You can call it dating or whatever. There is no substitute for this.

The parents of the boy arranged that both their son and the girl should visit each other’s home and interact. This is a very good idea. It enabled them to have proper understanding of each other. 

I want to believe that it is lack of proper understanding on the part of both partners from the onset that is responsible for many strained relationships. If parties understood each other from the onset, perhaps, many strained relationships that have occurred might be avoided.

Of course, it is not possible to understand any person completely, no matter the number of years you stay together, but by relating with each other, you can at least have good understanding of the other partner, which would enable you to decide whether you should enter into SERIOUS relationship with the partner or not.

     2.   Don’t Be So Desperate

The problem with desperate people is that they tend to overlook some issues that are of vital importance in respect of the relationship. A marriage counsellor once said that some girls make the mistake of thinking that they would marry their partner despite his bad behaviour, hoping that after getting married, they would be able to change him. This, the marriage counsellor said, is wrong. According to her, “Nobody can change anybody. It is only God that can change a person.”

On the part of the man, physical attraction, lust, and infatuation can make a man so desperate that he forgets to take into consideration vital issues that are necessary for the relationship to thrive.

If you are not so desperate, it is easy to discover the personality of the partner, no matter how pretentious the partner may be. If you are seeing a girl for the first time and you say, “I must marry this girl. This is the right girl for me. If it is not this girl, it is no one,” the chances are, it is not love, it is infatuation. Infatuation is one of the factors that causes desperation.

Dear reader, don’t be so desperate. Relationship is not built on infatuation; it is built on LOVE. Any relationship is bound to work, if there is genuine, mutual love between the duo. So, look beyond infatuation.

3.   Don’t Look for a Perfect Partner

 The bitter truth is that there is no perfect human being in the whole world. If your aim in a relationship is having a “perfect partner”, perish the thought! There is nothing like a “perfect partner.” You are not perfect, so don’t expect to find a perfect partner. 

And if you have found a partner and you think he/she is perfect, I humbly and respectfully say you are wrong. If you have not seen any flaw, any shortcoming or weakness in your partner, it could be that you have not really understood your partner. In that case, you have to be careful.

Be patient and take time to understand your partner. Pretence can make it difficult for both partners to understand each other. But pretence doesn’t last long. Once you start finding flaws in each other, it means that you are beginning to understand each other.

I was told of a movie in which an actor (Murphy) was in a relationship with a girl. In that movie, he kept behaving in a manner that would annoy and evoke reaction from the girl. But she never reacted. She kept cool. In the end, the actor refused to marry her because he did not understand the girl. The girl was hiding her personality by pretence.

In relationship, you must not hide your feeling or pretend to be a perfect person. Express yourself where necessary.

Having understood your partner as an imperfect human being and not an angel, you can now determine if you are still compatible with him/her despite his/her flaws, shortcomings, and weaknesses.

You need to ask yourself: “Can I, despite his/her imperfection, live with him/her for the rest of my life? Can I tolerate, love, and accept him/her for who he/she is?”

The fact is, there are some things you cannot tolerate in a relationship. If in a relationship you are constantly assaulted and bullied by your partner, and you cannot tolerate it, do you think when you are into a serious relationship, he will stop bullying you? The bottomline here is knowing your breaking point. Know what you can put up with for the rest of your life. 

How long can you put up with your partner’s imperfection? You have to decide that before you jump into REAL relationship with him/her, so that you don’t regret. RELATIONSHIP IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED AND NOT TO BE ENDURED. Know your breaking point and take decision wisely.

Finally, choosing the RIGHT partner may not be easy, but you can try the above tips.

POST YOUR COMMENT

Dear reader, I want you to post your comment. Perhaps, someone out there will benefit. What are those things that should have been deliberated upon that was not done? Do you agree with everything said in the article? What are those things you don’t agree with and why? Post your comment now. To do this, click on COMMENT below. It is at the end of this article. Click on it, type your comment, and post it.